It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
