Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
honey bunches of taint.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
