Is it normal to miss your booty call?
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
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