So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
