The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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