i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Randomize