She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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