She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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