you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
