DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
