May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
The beer is more important than you right now.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize