You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
accomplished twins. life is a go
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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