Dude my mom stole all your condoms
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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