Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
