lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
