I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
