you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
