i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
