i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
