Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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