I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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