chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
He felt like a one man threesome
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
