theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
