I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
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