im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
