Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
