You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
