now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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