I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
