Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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