i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Randomize
