yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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