I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
