1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize