i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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