Will you blow on my dice?
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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