My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
