mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
