I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
