i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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