then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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