do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
