the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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