this beer tastes like vomit already
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize