What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
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