I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize
