My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
