I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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