Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
