Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
