dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
i've created a new STD.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
