I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
