sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
