I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Randomize
