She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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