On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
