I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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