I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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