I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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