He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
