Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
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