Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
